07 Punctuation: what’s the point?
Reader, do you care about little dots and lines and squiggles?
If so, you’re in the minority. Look around and you’re surrounded by punctuation being mutilated to within a forward slash of its life.
Most obvious is the so-called greengrocer’s apostrophe – that genetically transferrable occupational compunction to spell the plural of a carrot as carrot’s and so on, through the whole stall of bean’s and onion’s and pea’s if you please, towards the apotheosis of the potatoe’s.
Can you find any logic in the pic above? Even if the caff is run by Dan Quayle, that doesn’t explain how the cold drinks escaped being errorised. Actually, there is some logic at work here: it seems if the word ends in a vowel, slap an apostrophe on it, boy! Wrong, of course, but that’s why you used to see video’s (wrong) for rent in the 90’s (wrong), which have now of course mutated into DVD’s (wrong, but wrong for the wrong reason according to the wrong vowel-at-the-end-the-word idea.) Just to be clear, apostrophes don’t make plurals. But who learned that at school?
Unless you were educated when Latin was the native language, or you learned about the semi-colon to the tuneful swish of a Lochgelly belt, the finer points of punctuation may have passed you by. Many people on my Professional Writing Skills workshops claim never to have been taught punctuation at all. I don’t believe them, because they all seem to know you never put a comma before and. Except that’s wrong too. It is perfectly correct to put a comma before and sometimes, and I’ll email you an explanation if you’d like. Or work out why from that last sentence.
But my teacher told me…
Have you thought of suing? Remember when your teacher said to take a breath at a comma? Good rule for learning to read when you’re six, but not ever when you’re writing. Imagine how peppered with commas your page would be if you had asthma. Punctuation exists to make meaning clear, not to help kids read.
Yet how are we to know what’s right, when wrong abounds where it shouldn’t?
The last time I saw the classic its/it’s mistake was on the BBC website, for goodness sake. I was once forced to have an interesting chat with a manager at Sainsbury’s about the educational impact of their Special Occassion (sic) range of cakes. And I recently saw a read-all-about-it newspaper board in the street inadvertently advertising the return of public executions: Father to be killed on M4.
And this relates to business how…?
Who cares about punctuation? Well, it’s not just grumpy old pedants shinning up lampposts (lamposts? lamp posts? I’ll look it up…) lamp-posts to paint out the apostrophe in CD’s on Tesco signs. How do you know your clients don’t care?
It’s a question of attention to detail. Suppose you send a letter or email that contains punctuation or grammar or spelling mistakes. You haven’t bothered to proof-read. What does that say about your fastidiousness in other aspects of your work?
By the way, I swear that wasn’t me up that Tesco sign. But I do absolutely refuse to stand in those 10 items or less queues. Why? Because I manifestly have fewer than 10 items! Ok, goodbye for this week. Where are my beta-blockers?
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NEXT FRIDAY 12 JUNE
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